I want you to take a moment and think back to those first few months of dating. Remember how she caught your attention.
She could make your heart skip a beat just by walking into a room.
There wasn’t a moment that went by he didn’t occupy your mental space. He had a way of making you feel like a schoolgirl with her first crush. You were more than likely inseparable. Your relationship took off in leaps and bounds. Some of you knew you’d found the one and you were ready to take things to the next level – cohabitation or marriage.
Now let’s fast forward back to the present. How are things?
If you’re like the average adult your schedule is filled with work, kids, personal hobbies, and a host of other distractions. The daily routine of adulting is enough to make anyone exhausted. With a schedule like this being intimate is omitted most of the time. Couples complain their mates aren’t doing what they used to. Who is thinking about intimacy, let alone sex?
Yet, I’m sure you could agree that when you were dating this was an effortless task. Finding the time for romance and coitus was never an issue. You were ready for it any and all the time, right? Somehow the passion fizzled. Now you’re struggling to find ways to bring passion back into your lives.
First, we must recognize intimacy is not the same as sex. No, it isn’t. You can be intimate without ever having sex. We also have to address being wise in whom we choose to be our mates. You should never have to give up who you are in order to accommodate them.
Intimacy expresses the openness, vulnerability and mutual sharing between two people. It is when you and your significant other are deeply rooted in one another. It is being aware of your partner’s shortcomings and not judging them for being human. It takes nurturing. It involves acceptance of who your partner is and not trying to change them.
I want you to take a look at the word intimacy closely. Say it aloud: In-to-me-I-see.
What do you see in yourself?
In wanting someone else to show acts of compassion, understanding, and faithfulness it means we are required to become the person we want our partner to be. This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to build the trust in allowing each of you to become vulnerable. No one likes to feel out of control with their emotions. As with everything, communication is key. You learn how to openly discuss your needs and work through the differences. Eventually, like everything you get better with time being in tune with one another.
In Preston Ni’s article, How to Enhance Closeness in Your Relationship (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201209/how-enhance-closeness-in-your-relationship) he shares four dimensions of intimacy from his book, 7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success (https://nipreston.com/new/publications/):
Physical – Remember, intimacy doesn’t mean sex but rather includes it along with the other forms of affection (i.e. hugging, kissing, holding, and cuddling).
Emotional – We must be willing to express emotions freely without fear, but also recognize when our partners show the same. Be sure to affirm their efforts in validating your emotions.
Intellectual – Personally, I love a beautiful mind. Some of you know exactly what it means to be a sapiosexual. It’s when you’re able to engage in deep, fluid conversations and know that person gets you. It’s intimacy on a whole other level.
Shared activities – This goes back to dating. Don’t forget about the stuff you did together that brought you together. It’s not just scheduling date nights either. Do the things where you’ll able to deepen the bond interacting with one another.
Be willing to try something new. The person you’ve chosen to be your mate needs to know what makes you feel good. You in turn, will be able to give them what they desire as well while improving intimacy between yourselves.
Let’s talk about it. Did you know there was a difference between intimacy and sex? How is the intimacy in your relationship?